To even know where to begin with this post is a mind field I can’t quite get my head around. I feel like this will turn into an essay before too long so I apologise for the blab.
The last few weeks have been an absolute nightmare. My mental health is normally pretty good and the last few weeks I’ve taken such a fall it feels like I’ve jumped off a building and I’m waiting for the impact but instead of hitting rock bottom it feels like I’m constantly just falling, the anticipation killing me.
If you’ve read my me too post you can probably put two and two together on the wavelength this is about. But to cut a long story short, one of my scar tissues from a previous relationship burst open. To give you an indication it’s longer than an episiotomy cut. Which had bought a new wave of emotions I’ve felt previously and a long of taking huge mammoth steps back to 5 years ago. I need an operation to fix the damage left by my previous partner. Lots of friction burns that build up and scar, making it near impossible to have enjoyable or want sex. But what’s worse is the mental side of it. I’ve been diagnosed with ptsd and anxiety.
I’ve been wanting to write something for a while over the last few weeks. Now my therapist is encouraging me to do so to encourage my healing process. I have hated my body for so long, when I found out what had happened when a doctor sat me down and told me that I had assault wounds. She had to tell me something about my body I never even processed, surely she was lying? He didn’t do any of that to me. The frequency of sex and the underlying emotional abuse and guilt tripping behind each time slowly tore my body up from the inside out. Even if I was bleeding and crying during it, it was compared to a similarity in an ex. I resented my body because that should have been such a big red flag I should’ve started running. It took me weeks to be constantly told what someone else had done to me, me being so blindly in love to never see it. I hated my body for not fighting back, for not realising it was under attack but instead thought it was being loved. Burying away any small thoughts of ‘this isn’t right’ but instead only thinking ‘he loves me so much’. Brainwashed by my own body and head.
So I’ve decided to try and claim some of that back, for once I’m finally letting my body and self off the hook.
I forgive you. I forgive you betraying me like you have. For not reacting to your lovers touch, for shutting down when I want you to work most. I forgive you for not being as strong as you once were, no amount of gym sessions would help but it’s alright, we have to live in harmony now.
I thank you for your coping mechanisms, for luring me into a false sense of comfort watching movies I decided to watch then shutting down to protect yourself. The dark abyss is scary when I close my eyes but hey, at least we tried.
I forgive you putting my brain against myself. Weeding out insecurities, only hearing ‘I wish she was better’ rather than ‘I love you exactly how you are’. Comparing myself to every other female on this planet, thinking one will come and steal my happy place because I mean, hey, who really wants a girl with baggage anyway?
I forgive you for panicking me every second of the day. I’m starting to gain back that control but sometimes you’re too damn strong. Preparing last words to people in my head when my body feels like it’s about to die. There’s no more air for my lungs and I struggle to see straight. They say a panic attack feels like a heart attack, I’ve suffered so many now it makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to tell the difference if my body does decide to stop on me one day.
I forgive you, mind, for getting stuck in an overdue history book. Keep reading the middle and not even attempting to get to the last page. You are so lucky you have someone who welcomes your return every time and listens. You like to run wild at 3am with memories and nightmares and judgement but he sits and waits, holds you and waits. It must feel like his heart is breaking every single time but he simply says nothing and waits for you.
We’ve been through so much together, but for now, instead of trying to leave you I’ll stay and work on this relationship together. You make it so hard to love you. Sometimes I want to rub my skin raw and find a new body but my one saving grace is that if all this didn’t happen in the timing that it did you wouldn’t have found your forever in someone else. He is my only saving grace in all of this. He possesses nothing but love for me and it never trembles. This is my body and mine alone. It was never my fault or my body’s fault. The fault will always lie with someone who decided it was their right to take my freedom in my own skin. Controlling my every move before none of it is mine anymore.
So I’m letting myself off. I can’t help my body is broken. I can’t help my mind is against me. But if this situation has ever taught me anything it’s that the sunshine always comes out after the storm. And my body and mind has found love despite its faults.
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